Memory Lane (ex ‘J S’) *Long post*


This is more of a back story… Let’s delve into my memories of him shall we…

So for me and ex ‘J S’ we met when we were 13/14 – (ready for this?) He was my mum’s boyfriend’s friends girlfriends’s son… (Did you catch all that?) Not as simple as just saying our parents were friends because it isn’t that simple. The whole thing is complicated, yet simple, yet old news but here it is being written out so hopefully I wont have to repeat the situation ha ha. – Even though he has now decided to pop up!

My family met them in the park one day to introduce us all to ‘J S’ and his mum ‘K’ When I first saw him across the park 13 year old me thought “who’s he? He’s cute!” To be fair I don’t think 13 year old girls can differentiate whether or not there is more to that because for me I saw a cute guy and was like… “I want him to notice me”or “I want him to be my boyfriend!” without me even knowing him! Crazy right? (I changed rather fast in a year after thinking like that) – I had recently broken up with my first “boyfriend”. (Funnily enough another ‘J’ – ‘J W’) so I was having my first innocent heart break and was trying to get over it.

He was invited to our place and I was told to talk to him to make him feel comfortable as he was apparently shy…. (I was usually the shy one so this will be interesting.)

Shortly after talking to him I quickly changed my first thoughts of him… I just wasn’t interested – He was cocky, disrespectful with his comments to what I was saying and I didn’t find him cute anymore… I just wanted to go back to my room and do homework… That’s how put off I was!

Some time after this I don’t know how long exactly but he visited again- (I don’t know why…) I went out to hang out with my friends and also to get away from him… He followed me out. I was just heading down the stairs of my block when I heard him behind me… If I remember correctly he said something along the lines of “You don’t have to run away from your feelings ya know” (what now? *Baffled*) I spun round and looked at him confused “Huh? What do you mean?” He smiled (an annoying smile) and said “I know you like me. I can read between the lines. You should just admit it then you wont have to run away” (what the hell?!) *baffled and disgusted*

“I’m going to hang out with my friends and how could I like you? I don’t even know you!” I gave him an attitude look and told him “you are annoying though so maybe you should go back and bother someone else.” I went to leave and I was pulled back – Yanked even! He had caught the back of my hood from my hoodie and stopped me from walking away and yanked me back to him! “What the hell! Are you trying to choke me or something!?” I glared at him. He raised his hands in the air as a gesture of surrender and told me he only wanted to know if I liked him…. I sighed and left…Can’t be dealing with that.

I remember staying at one of my neighbours that night who was my friend and the next day when I went home I walked in on ‘J S’ eating breakfast in the kitchen… (This guy? Why is he even here? He should have gone home yesterday!) Safe to say our moods did not match… My mood deflated and his perked up just by seeing each other…

The next time I saw him it was at his mum’s wedding with my mum’s boyfriend’s friend ‘N’… It had been a little while and I don’t know why but I was looking around for ‘J S’ I was in two minds about this situation… I don’t want him hounding me and being all I like you, like me thing because I didn’t and he annoyed me… But on the other hand I liked the attention…What was wrong with me??

There was a crowd of girls surrounding a table and me being the curiosity kitten decided to  see what the commotion was all about… Obviously it turned out to be ‘J S’ but this time his hair was spiked up and the tips were ‘frosted’ (dip dyed blonde) and the rest the usual dark haired colour he had before, he was also in a suit and I dare say he was looking good! I kept catching myself looking over to him… I also thought he wouldn’t have been too happy to see me, due to the last time where I wasn’t exactly friendly towards him and now he is surrounded by a gaggle of long blond haired bombshells (how are they 13-15?) I wasn’t even dressed up as I was only brought along last minute because I refused to go to my dad’s that weekend and I stayed with my mum…

He saw me… He got up… Walked away from the girls and his eyes were just on me….(What is happening?!) He came over and asked for a drink from the bar and then handed me one (j20- underage speciality) “Come sit with me” he said and then walked over to a different table from the girls…. I looked at my mum who just shrugged and carried on talking… (I have no idea… Just baffled…) I follow him and I feel nervous for some odd unknown reason… (Is it the hair?  Or is it the fact that I felt so inadequate compared to the other girls and he still chose me?)

He started talking… And then it all became clear… It had just been awhile since we last saw each other and I forgot he was the way he was…Annoying! That’s me over whatever that fleeting feeling was… Good! After the wedding reception we were about to leave and then I get told that ‘J S’ is coming back with us…. (What?!) And I was told to talk to him and make him feel comfortable… (Him?! What about me?!)

I remember walking back from the reception and it was dark. My mum and her boyfriend was walking hand in hand in front of me and ‘J S’ and I had to keep walking ahead of him or further to the side because he kept walking closer to me and every time I felt him nudge me or rub against my arm or hip as we were walking just made me feel a feeling I can’t quite put a word on it…  I just didn’t want him to touch me….

Just then I felt something horrifying and I froze – in shock maybe? But not in a good way… He slipped his hand into mine and interlocked trapping my hands and fingers with his!! And at that exact same moment both my mum and her boyfriend had turned round and witnessed it….And for goodness sake they found it freaking adorable! And decided to make a comment about taking us “love birds” to another pub to spend more time together and not let the night end so early….

(I was screaming inside! They were serious and I was Baffled, horrified,disgusted and I didn’t know what to do… In all my 13-14 years of my life at that point I had never been so submissive!  I was freaking out inside and wanted to smack him off me and tell my mum and her boyfriend a thing or two! But I just wanted to fall in a man hole and live down there, wouldn’t that feel better than this feeling I was feeling? *baffled*)

The thing is my mum knew I didn’t like him like that and she new I was feeling anxious and uncomfortable about going to the wedding where I might see him… So I really didn’t know why she was thinking that I would want to be holding his hand…. They assumed we had been holding hands the whole way before they turned round… (Are they serious?) *sigh of exasperation*

He then turned round and he asks if this means we are going out with each other now…. (?!?!?!) I pulled my hand free and stormed off ahead to the pub leaving him trailing after me….

We got into the pub and I went to sit as far away from everyone as possible and it was a dark part of the pub on a lone table and then ‘J S’ comes over to sit next to me and I snap… I tell him that how dare he hold my hand without my permission, just because we were walking together does not mean that’s a reason to touch me… And he looks sad…Like really upset and I feel bad for telling him off but I don’t like to be touched especially by someone who just annoys me and is split personality like… One minute he’s cocky and arrogant the next hes’s shy and decent to talk to but he is never the nice one longer than the annoying one.

He apologises and tell me he just really likes me and thought maybe I had liked him especially since I didn’t push him off when he did hold my hand and I explained that I was in shock and had no idea what to do without upsetting him… We then just started chatting away and then before we knew it, it was time to head home… He stayed in my brothers room and I went to mine without saying anything… I heard his voice at my door wishing me a nice sleep…  And I guess you could say I was weakening…

The next morning I think I woke up early and was just thinking… And It seems so was ‘J S’ as my mums boyfriend came in and commented about us both being awake so early and us getting up to funny business…(Get out you idiot!) He said that ‘J S’ will need to get ready because he will be leaving after breakfast… I got up and got dressed before I knew it I had walked into my brothers room and sat at the end of the bed to speak to ‘J S’. I didn’t want him to go as he was just growing on me and then he makes a comment about not even getting a hug before he goes…

I leaned in and gave him a hug and then before I let go I kissed him! Yep… It was nice, wasn’t long and was a soft sweet kiss.. He is in shock and has a soft smile on his lips and asks does this mean… And I gave in and said yes… And then he ruined it by pulling me back to him and gagging me with his tongue!! *repulsed* I pull back and he is smirking because he enjoyed the kiss… (Well at least someone did)…  And I am now his girlfriend.. and after that second kiss I regret it! I go to leave and he pulls me back for another… Oh no you don’t… I pull free and run off… What have I just done?

I’ve clearly lost it… He harassed me into the whole thing and it wore me down and just because he started to be nice to me I did what I didn’t want to do before….. I’m the idiot now… The next 3 weeks consisted of 3 calls a day from him… and they were routine timed ones and the same conversations (if you can call them that) every time….Boooooring…

Every call: (morning, afternoon and evening.)

‘J S’: “Hi.”

Me: “Hi…”

‘J S’: “How are you?”

Me: “Fine… How are you?”

‘J S’: “I’m okay.”

… *silence* …

Me: “Sooo…”

‘J S’: “What you up to?”

Me: “Not much….You?”

‘J S’: “Me too.”

… *Silence*… 

 ‘J S’: “I miss you”

Me: “Do you?”

‘J S’: “I’ll call you later yeah?”

Me: “…Sure…”

See what I mean?

After the 3rd week every time the silence came I asked if he was going to talk to which he said that he was talking… (Okay) I told him to just call me when he has something to say not the same thing every time he calls… He told me he would call me again that day as per… (Really?) 

I was out playing with the rest of the kids (neighbours) in our block I think It was  99 in or something, I can’t remember but I saw my ex ( ‘J W’) hovering about. (he was also a neighbour- I know…) I felt his eyes on me.. I know he overheard the others talking about me having a new boyfriend and not knowing how boring he was etc and I don’t think ‘J W’ liked that…

I told the others I was going to get a drink and started towards my block… The next thing I knew ‘J W’ snatched my hair scrunchy from my hair, releasing my hair to be free and then he ran off with it! Shocked and annoyed I chased after him..  He ran into the block and up the stairs and I continued after him… Then he spun round and pushed his body against mine, pinning me to the stairwell walls ” I like your hair down” he whispers and his lips are on mine… And it was the kind of kiss that makes your knees weak, your whole body feels like it’s turned to mush and your heart is pounding and you just feel amazing you don’t want it to stop! – The next best thing about it was I wasn’t being gagged by his tongue!

He pulled away abruptly and told me to go out with him again… (My world spun- but not for long because it snapped back into place and I had to do something before I answered)

“I’ll think about it” I told him and ran up the stairs… I went to the phone and called ‘J S’ and told him I was terribly sorry but this thing between us can’t carry on… He calls 3 times a day on the dot and  we haven’t even seen each other since that day we kissed… It just didn’t feel right and I don’t think it should continue… I apologised again and hung up. I then ran back down the stairs and did the same thing to ‘J W’ that he did to me… I ran up to him took something of him and ran off, he chased me and then I was the one to spin around and pin him to the stair well wall and kissed him the same way he kissed me and when I was done I pulled away and told him yes…

Now when I think about that I feel bad! Of course I feel bad because that was low, stupid and mean and now I am old enough and have learned through my experiences that you should never get back with an ex… Especially when they were assholes before! No matter how good the kisses are… And you should never swap one for the other either… I should have broken it off with ‘J S’ just because I didn’t want to be in a relationship with him not because someone else wanted me and it was the best excitement I had ever had compared to what I had with the other… (too many J’s I’m sorry If I have lost you)

A year or so later we move into a place round the corner from him and I start hanging out with him and his friends… which was never a good idea… He use to tease me, pick on me, spray me with his deodorant, shove my head under his t shirt and push my face in his hairy armpit! Even sat his bony arse on me and farted…Often! But when we were alone he was nicer and we had more things to do that were fun and he wasn’t showing off all the time and we were friends…

But one day he tried to kiss me and missed only to catch my neck and tried to give me a love bite! As if he hadn’t had enough on his own he was going to try and give me one! Gross… I only had to look at his bruised neck to want to be disinfected… Not to mention crossing a line here! We are friends! I only liked him as a friend and not even that at times…

He then went weird on me and made a comment that I would never ever be able to forget It scarred me for a long time and to this day I know it is something that I will hold against him for the rest of my life!

He looked at the naked woman on a poster on his wall and then at me and smiled… ” Do you like looking at this?” he asked me while smoothing along the line of the breast in the poster… “Not really something I like in a poster” I tell him… He then leans over and asks if he can feel mine to compare…. (Feel mine!?  To compare!? It’s a poster! It’s paper! It’s bound to feel freaking different!!! Firstly I have self respect! secondly I’ve only just turned 15… I’m a virgin who has only been kissed, my periods are painful and often and my breasts wont stop growing to the point they hurt along with my back and and you want to feel them!? Thirdly, are you insane? And fourth, Ewww!)

He licked his lips and reaches for them and I smack him away, “touch me, you die.” I glare at him and he backs away and says that he will just have to imagine it himself… He then says… “They look so big and juicy…  (Juicy? Gross) I just want to chop them off and put them on my wall so I can suckle them all night long” !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE!?!?!?!? 

Whether he remembers or not I’m not sure, I haven’t’ had that conversation yet… I thankfully forget about him saying this at times but every time he pops up this memory pops in my head at the most random of times and I am forced to remember that scary moment when he suggested such a thing. I vowed that he will never get that close to touching my breasts… Ever. 

Another year later we are 15 and my mum has just kicked me out and no other family member will take me in for the night because they think my mum wont like that… Thankfully ‘K’ –(‘J S’ mum) comes to  my aid and lets me stay at their place instead of a park bench… And that’s when thing’s between me and ‘J S’ start changing from friends…

I slept on a mattress in the living room which belonged in his room, my bag of clothes were in his mums room and we set up a program with E2E -Entry to Employment that ‘J S’ was also in. We spent a lot of time together.. We were living together which was weird but I got to know him more and more, I laughed a lot and we use to stay up watching films and listening to music then taking the bus to town every morning to attend our program and before we knew it we both agreed to give us a go again… But we didn’t tell anyone.

A month of this and thing’s got a bit strained there with his mum… I felt like I was in the way and then ‘J S’ stopped getting the bus back with me and spent less time with me… One day I came back to theirs to find out that ‘J S’ was in his room with his ex ‘S’ and the door was shut… I was sat in the living room which was right next door to his room and I heard the things they were getting up to…

To make matters worse his mum came in from her room and told me not to go in to his room (not that I was going to) because he had ‘S’ round and to give them their privacy… I questioned her by asking if they are on good terms again then and she told me that they have always argued but they never stopped being a couple… My world crumbled… Whatever I had with him was the only good thing that was happening to me at that time and now that was gone… The truth had come out and I was a fool… His mum went out. Not long after I heard them resurface…

I felt numb… I watched them from the sofa as he walked with her to the door they gave each other a quick kiss goodbye and she left…. I walked into the kitchen and the moment he walked in and saw me the colour drained from his face and he asked how my day was, what had I been up to and when did I get back… I don’t remember what I said but I think from that point on I never laughed with him again and I kept my distance… Later that day he took me to one side and told me he doesn’t think it’s working out between us and thinks we should just be friends… I knew the reason… He never admitted it and why would he?

The last few weeks I spent there I had a few guys interested in me (that’s crazy to think about!) 3 or 4 I think… And I could see ‘J S’ didn’t like that but that was his loss right? I kept myself busy and then finally I got offered an interview with a hostel which I went to and passed and thus the start of my next adventure and thankful to be out of the awkward situation I was in.

But before I left… ‘K’ cornered me one day and started interrogating me…. A couple of days before I had broken down and confided in a female friend of ‘J S’ who I had recently started becoming friends with (so I thought) I told her about the situation between me and ‘J S’ as the whole thing was getting to me… Pretending…. Living in a world surrounded by lies and secrets and I couldn’t take it anymore…

I didn’t realise that was a stupid thing to do… She outed me to her mum who was ‘K’s’ best friend, who obviously told ‘K’… I was in trouble she looked the angriest I had ever seen her, she was swearing, she was fuming and I was shocked and didn’t know what to say…. She bellowed “Have you and ‘J S’ been seeing each other under my roof!? behind my back!? Behind ‘S’ back!?” She made it sound worse than it was to be fair… I denied it and she told me it was the girl who I had thought was my friend that had told her the accusation….I was hurt, angry and just fed up…

I denied it again and I wasn’t even lying because I wasn’t seeing him at all… He was with his not so ex and I had been blown off, I had other guys interested in me and it had been weeks since me and ‘J S’ even spoke properly… She didn’t believe me and was ranting and raving and swearing at me and I just sat there looking up at her numb, not really listening to what she was saying… What happened to her? I thought she liked me… ‘J S’ came in and heard the commotion of his mother and when he saw me taking the insults he stepped in and just asked what she was moaning about… She asked him the same question she asked me but in a nicer way… Well except for when she called me a lot of things/names instead of my own name in the question….

He looked at me and maybe he read my mind or maybe he just felt like I wasn’t really a girlfriend to him and that’s why he found nothing wrong in what he had done… Either way hearing him deny it felt like whatever had been between us was nothing… As if it really never actually happened… And that did it. I wanted out. I moved into the hostel and I was free… But still had to face ‘J S’ at E2E…

Since then I think I have only seen him 6 times in the last 6-7 years I think…. I was doing beauty therapy at college and I made some friends with these girls who were each others childhood best friends and when they found out I had a place of my own they wanted to come over a lot and stay the night and I was too nice to say no….They started giving me lifts to college where as I usually either took two busses to get there or two trains… 

One time they were going through my phone and asking who was who in my contact list and they came across ‘J S’ and they wanted the number when I told them he was an old friend of sorts and I had told them I don’t think it is  good idea to just give out his number… So they took it upon themselves to message the number from their phone to ask if it was okay for them to have his number… even though now they already have the number in their phone…

One day they picked me up and I was shocked to see ‘J S’ sitting in the backseat with us… I had no idea how to feel, what to think or say… It had only been a year and a half since he stopped talking to me (due to rumours being spread about me that he participated in) and we last saw each other and now he is here… This happened 3 times… And each time he never said a word… Like I was a stranger he had never seen before…. 

Then the girls turned on me and started vicious rumours to do with what ever he had told them…And I just couldn’t quite get my head around what was happening and why… a little while later he got in contact and we met up and we spoke about that situation of those girls and he told me they had said I was saying lots of nasty things about him when I actually hadn’t and they were doing the same to me about him… But he actually did… I told him he should have just spoke to me about it, I tried to talk to him but he blanked me all those times and then we both decided to just move on from it and try to stay friends again…

  The last time I saw him I was heavily pregnant with my daughter and on a school run with my son on our way back home and that was 2014 – Where he asked if I was with the dad this time… Rude I know… Especially considering at that time he had 3 children from 3 different woman…. The last time he messaged me on social media was 2016… So why has he popped up and messaged me again this time exactly? 

Long winded story which may bore you all to tears but that’s that memory sorted and done with… And hopefully you are caught up and understand as to why I am baffled by the messages in “A Baffling Experience“… 

Thanks again for reading 🙂 

x Emz x


Author: Emz

I'm a 28, ambitious full time mum of two amazing and funny children. I try to live a happy simple life but of course there can be drama even if do try to avoid it. A lot does go on with Family and friends and I try to blog as often as I can because this is a good way for me to write what I'm thinking, feeling and helps me remember things that go on and writing it down on a piece of paper doesn't do myself any justice I need to be honest with myself and if blogging is the way forward for me then so bit it. If you happen to come across my blog and actually like and follow it thank you very much. :D I have had to make strong and hard decisions in my life and I have come out stronger and wiser every time. I'm shy, opinionated and can be socially awkward at times but I am trying to build up my confidence and I just want to share with you my life story if you are willing to listen and I am only too happy to do the same for anyone else who wants me to know :) I try to be as honest, open and kind as I can in life. - My aim is to Blog every day whether I am able to keep up with that well we shall see :)

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